Boston!!!

A highlight in my life right now. I just booked a 5 day trip to Boston at the end of August! I have a good friend who will be attending Harvard in the fall, and we decided I needed to pay a visit and see the sights. I have never been before, so I'm excited to make my list of things to do, places to see, etc.

On another note I have one week of summer classes left and I can't wait for a break. I guess I better suck it up though since come August I'll be starting full time and will be in class a lot more than I am now.

Things haven't been easy these past few months, but Heavenly Father is really taking care of me and blessing me. Things are just falling into place, and I'm so grateful for all the little things he blesses me with that bring me happiness...like trips to Boston! I think I deserve a mini vacation and it will be nice to visit with old friends.

Scriptures and Friends

One thing I've come to love since I've been in Valpo is reading the scriptures, but even better, reading the scriptures with a good friend. My childhood friend Tiare, first got me on this kick. Being a return missionary and still on a spiritual high she invited me several times to come over and hang out... and read scriptures. Me being not quite so spiritually in tune thought the suggestion was weird and quite frankly-Boring.
It certainly turned out to be quite the opposite experience. Being able to read scriptures with a friend and share ideas and applications has helped me gain so much more out of my readings and has also strengthened my friendships and resolve to do better because now I have someone else to encourage me along my path.
I have been really blessed with amazing friends since I've been here. Heavenly Father has known my need for companionship and knowing this before I was even born, He placed me with a wonderful family and has placed people along my road of life to support and uplift me. Tiare is just one person that has been a wonderful friend and example. Brittany and Britta are my other two sources of strength.
Britta and I have both been having a difficult time lately, and decided to read Alma 32 together. We read and discussed for about an hour, and it was truly amazing. It is such a wonderful experience to feel and share the spirit with someone you really care about. Our depressed moods were immediately lifted as we read together. The scriptures are such a blessing! Though the past few days have been difficult, I came to the realization again that this life is but a moment. My trials will pass, and Heavenly Father has a great plan for me. I am being tried for a purpose and it will refine me and strengthen me. Every trial is a blessing in disguise.

How to Let Go

The past 48 hours have brought nothing but tears. A harsh reality has come to light. It's hard to hear the truth. Daniel does not want me back, and nothing I do or say is going to change that. My dad told me it's time to let go. I cried harder when he said that. I have finally composed myself, but inside I still cry.
I try not think of him with her, but it's like a movie in my mind. She has everything I wish I had. My self defense mechanisms tell me to quickly find someone else to take my mind off of Daniel, but I know I am no where near ready for a relationship. All my life I've thrown myself in relationship after relationship, never really confronting the pain. I can't do it anymore. Even if I wanted to, I am completely incapable of giving myself to anyone right now.
I thought the worst was over. From previous experience, I know the pain subsides. But in the moment, it feels as if it is here to stay. I know the Lord hears my prayers, but I would give anything right now just to hear Him say "You're going to be okay."

When All Else Fails, Blog.

Sometimes I feel like I make this blog way too personal, but it's my best outlet. So again I apologize for any discomfort my entries may cause, but you have the right not to read it.

I feel like I'm back at square one. My heart is shattered in a million pieces. It's so painful, it's almost numbing. Not numb enough. I was going about my life, doing fine and feeling hopeful about my future. I was starting to feel okay without Daniel in my life. I still missed him, but I was at peace. That peace has been yanked out from under my feet, and I've fallen flat on my face. My dear friends out of love for me have informed me that Daniel is currently in a relationship. Apparently he posted it officially on facebook.
I have removed Daniel from my facebook for a reason. I didn't want to know what was going on in his life and I didn't want to see how happy he was without me. But most of all I didn't want to ever ever hear about him with another girl. It would destroy me. I thought removing him from my facebook would protect me from finding out such things, but I didn't take into consideration our 60 some mutual friends. When the first friend approached me about it, I thought surely she must be wrong. Or maybe he was just posting that he was in a relationship to upset me. I couldn't imagine that he had moved on so quickly hardly a month after our divorce is final. A glutton for punishment, I had to call him for sure to find out.
Of course the conversation was lovely as usual. I was so angry, hurt, confused, jealous... I had to get off the phone before I had a nervous breakdown. And a breakdown I did have. I don't know how to feel or what to think. My heart is so completely broken. I knew that this day would come... I just didn't expect it to be so soon. I know I have to deal with it, and hurting is part of the process, but the pain is exhausting. I want Daniel to be happy. I really do. I just can't stop wishing that it would be with me. I have destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Will the pain ever fade?

Charleston, SC!

I've realized I am not doing so well at keeping my blog updated as of lately. Things have been pretty quiet in life right now (compared to the last few months), and so I've been drawing a blank on what to blog about.
There have been some recent changes in my life plans. They seem to change every week, but it's kind of exciting that way. :) I am still planning on doing the accelerated nursing program, but I've been looking at different schools throughout the country. I love my family and it's great to be close to them, but I've always been the independent sort and I'm already getting antsy living at home. There are so many accelerated nursing programs, but unfortunately most of them require that you have a bachelors degree in another field. Very few allow undergrads to enter the program. Lucky for me, I tracked down one in Charleston, SC. Have I always wanted to live near the ocean? Yes!
I am very excited about this being an option for me. The school is called Medical University of South Carolina. I probably shouldn't get too excited yet since I haven't even applied yet and who knows if I'll get in, but I am really really hoping I do! Wish me luck!!

Never Give Up

In this life we will experience many ups and downs. Hopefully more ups than downs, but let's be honest. Sometimes those down moments have a way of keeping you there. We can't help but ask "why me?" and feel hopelessness seep in. We are human and therefore prone to physical and spiritual weakness. When I make mistakes I can't help but focus on how weak I am, and all I want to do is throw in the towel. It gets exhausting trying to always do the right thing and coming up short time and time again. Discouraging thoughts fill my mind, and I start wondering what it would be like to be someone that didn't have the gospel, completely oblivious to the truth and free to live life without any worries of moral obligations.
Then I imagine a life without a knowledge of there being so much more than the here and now. I think about the things I've been taught, and the times I've been living it are the happiest I've ever been. It has never been easy. It is tempting to believe the gospel is restricting and holds us back from experiencing life especially how most people my age are. But I can testify that freedom is found in living the gospel. I watch some of my friends struggle, and I remember being there. I can relate to almost all of them. I wish I could shake them and make them see the truth, but from personal experience I know that is something you have to find on your own in your own time. You will see as soon as you decide you really do want to see.
For those that do see and are trying to live the gospel, but slip up, pick yourself up and try again. Sometimes it's easier to let yourself drown. I've made HUGE mistakes in my life. But mistakes are no excuse to give up. Life goes on. And as the old saying goes, what doesn't break you makes you stronger. I refuse to let anything break me. Perfection is not something that I will ever attain. And for this reason I am eternally grateful for the Atonement. I used to think that there was no way I was going to the Celestial Kingdom. I had made too many bad decisions, and I had screwed up my chances a long time ago. This simply isn't true. As long as we try our best, the Atonement does the rest. It's complex, yet simple. There is no mistake I've made that Jesus Christ didn't suffer for. He paid the price so that I could return to my Father in Heaven. He knew we wouldn't be perfect, but as long as we strive for it we are good. Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves. He will be able to look on our heart and see if we really gave this life our all. That is why He is a perfect judge.

Never give up! Falling is inevitable, but we decide how to look at it. Is it a blessing or a curse? Even the worst of circumstances can be a blessing if we want it to be. We decide. We move forward or we regress. I choose to move forward.

A Grain of Sand

Well, it's done. I could pretend that my divorce doesn't really affect me, and I could spare everyone the awkwardness of discussing it on here, but what for? It helps me to write about it, and well if it bothers you, I suppose you don't have to continue reading it. I am fully aware that my openness about my life may make some uncomfortable, but more than anything I hope that it makes people grateful. I also sincerely hope that my story can be shared with others so that they may learn from my mistakes and have hope that things do get better.
While Joseph was in Liberty Jail, in one of his bleakest moments he cried out, "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that coverth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1)
The Lord responded, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)
When Daniel and I first split up, I was sure life was over. I have experienced some pretty difficult things in life, but knowing I was responsible for destroying my temple marriage was life shattering. I had become so selfish and so consumed by my past. My eyes were blind to all the blessings I had, and I focused on all the things that had "gone wrong" in my life. This led to an overall dissatisfaction with my life and anger towards God. I didn't understand why Heavenly Father wouldn't just fix the things that needed to be fixed. I was so prideful and unwilling to accept His will for me without some good explanation. My spirituality suffered greatly and my relationship with my Savior and Father in Heaven were practically non-existent. Though I accepted that I had caused so many of the things that had gone wrong through my poor choices, I expected that once I started doing the things I should be doing (praying, reading scriptures, etc) that Heavenly Father would immediately repair all the damage that I had caused. Of course it never happened that way.
I spent the first couple months on my knees in the deepest despair feeling completely abandoned and rejected. The only thing I could think of was "why?" Why did God let me do this to my marriage? Why couldn't He fix this? Why was He letting me hurt this way? And why couldn't I feel Him anywhere near me? I cried to God many nights, asking Him where He was. I was in the darkest moments of my life and God was no where to be found.
It would've been easy to turn my back on God completely. It was tempting to just give up on the gospel and all that I've been taught. I was fortunately born of goodly parents, who taught me well and set the firm example to me to never give up. As often as I fell, they always taught me to pick myself up and carry on. A big part of me wanted to lay in bed and never get up again. The emptiness and pain seemed too much to bear. Heavenly Father in His wisdom not only blessed me with parents that would be able to help me through difficult times, but put me in a ward with a Bishop that truly has made a difference in my life. My Bishop has been an anchor in my life. I have learned so much from him and my testimony of a Bishop's inspiration has drastically increased. They encouraged me to continue praying and reading my scriptures and also counseled me to do other things that would draw me closer to the Lord. It had been so long since I had felt the Holy Ghost in my life, but at that point in my life I had no choice but to trust that there was a God, and that even though I couldn't feel Him, He could hear me. I felt like was talking to an empty sky most nights and couldn't figure out how stories of war between the Nephites and Lamanites were supposed to apply to me. Though discouraged, I persisted.
The persistence paid off. Slowly but surely I felt Him draw closer to me, or actually me to Him. I had become so numb to the Spirit, to have it back in my life was an indescribable feeling. Heavenly Father is truly a merciful God. As I grew closer to the Lord, He opened my heart and mind to many things. I no longer ask "why." I've learned that I have to trust in His will and know that if I continue to do all that He has asked of me, He will take care of me. I may not understand all the "whys", but God owes me no explanation, nor do I really need one. I know that His wisdom surpasses all my understanding.
The one thing that I know that Heavenly Father has assured me of is that my adversities and afflictions are but a moment. This life is just a grain of sand. And if I live faithfully, the reward will be eternal and far greater than any pain I may have endured in this life.
The gospel is true. Heavenly Father hears you. No matter what mistakes you've made, He still loves you. As bad as things may get, they do get better. Real happiness is only found in truth. Truth is found in living the gospel. If you can't feel Him, it isn't because He isn't there. Our plans are imperfect, but His plan is perfect. Every trial is an opportunity to learn and grow. Embrace it and keep an eternal perspective. When you fall, it's okay to shed a few tears, but pick yourself up, dry your eyes and move forward.
I am so thankful for the tender mercies of the Lord. He knows me so well, and has provided me with everything I need to be the best I can be. I'm grateful for so many people in my life and the love they've shown me. Thank you again for all the prayers, I have truly been touched by those who have reached out.