I am going to Boston in less than two weeks. Am I excited? Sure. The truth is it was an impulsive buy to visit a guy friend I haven't seen in years and am not really that close to. When he offered to pay for more than half the ticket, that sealed the deal. When I found out Daniel was seeing somebody else, I was so angry, so hurt...so scared. For some reason I felt like it was some sort of competition to see who could move on first, and I had just lost. I've thrown myself into school, work and being a new found social butterfly. I am no where near ready for any kind of relationship, yet in a desperate attempt to feel wanted, I've made it a point to distract myself with as many members of the opposite sex as possible. It's okay to say it. Pathetic. I know it is. I just don't want to think about him anymore! I don't want to miss him anymore. Why can't I just forget?
My readers must be convinced I'm bipolar. I try to post happy upbeat blogs(I have a feeling I haven't been very successful). I have all these blogs that I used to read. 99% of them are married friends. Since the divorce I haven't been able to bring myself to read any of them. To see all my friends going through all the stages of being young, married and in love. Watching them have babies. Making memories. All I can think is...that should be me and Daniel. WE should be creating a family and making memories...but we're not. And it's all my fault. As I type this I can't stop crying. These are all the emotions I've been fighting off. It's exhausting.
I keep telling myself I'm strong, that I will make it through. But life is wearing on me. I'm just having a weak moment and in the morning I'll wake up and be fine. I'll continue distracting myself with as many things as possible to keep from thinking about him. I'll make some anti love song mix and steer clear of all chick flicks. I'll convince myself I don't love him anymore and that I'm better off. I'll focus on all the reasons we weren't good for each other... anything to make it through another day.
I've actually had friends say that I must be enjoying being single again for this reason or that. I get to be independent again! I get to date lots of people! I answer to no one and get to live my dreams! More things to fill my mind to get me through another day. I would give anything to be tied down, struggling to make ends meet, experiencing the ups and downs with the person I love. I miss the late night dinners when we were both exhausted from work, grocery shopping together, naps. I even miss the fights that usually involved me yelling and Daniel trying to calm me down, and I miss the making up even more. I miss the looks he would give me to let me know he wanted me. I miss laying in bed and watching movies on the laptop. I miss blogging about all the wonderful things we were doing together.
I keep thinking that maybe if he knew how much I loved him he would take me back. So far it hasn't worked out that way. Well here we go again. Sleep away the pain. Please let me forget.
