Rude Awakening

It is such a sad thing to come off vacation to only be slapped in the face by the real world again. I don't think I'm a lazy person, but maybe I am because the only desire I have right now is to quit my job, move to the ocean and become a beach bum. Well, in case you're wondering I just had the most wonderful vacation ever! I will say i was a little uncomfortable with the fact that I was going to be surrounded by 6 teenagers all week, but they turned out to be great. The 3 girls, Gina, Sam, and Meg though a few years younger than myself, reminded me of some of my best friends and brought out that goofy side of me that I sometimes forget about it. It turned out to be somewhat theraputic and just plain fun. I got reacquainted with my brother and mother in law, did a little snorkeling, some sailing, lots of sun bathing and snuggled up to my hunny and watched Prison Break at night. What more could a girl ask for? Food, friends, and family. Ok to I could've passed on the sea sickness, and honestly I'll never do another boat vacation again due to that fact, and cold showers/ never showering and being wet all the time and having my cabin smell like mildew due to everything being wet... but honestly awesome, amazing, beautiful, completely relaxing. I didn't think about work once! now THAT is a miracle in itself. Coming back to work today, I was basically told my job was on the line, but that's a blog for another day. Here's some pics. Enjoy! For more pictures I have a photo album posted on my myspace page. www.myspace.com/smartc03

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and maybe a tinge of sadness right now. I seem to have these moods more frequently than I'd like, and whether or not it's normal, this is me. I'm feeling that no matter how much I do, it's never enough. Not necessarily that I feel other people think I'm not measuring up, but more so that I think I'm not doing as much as I could. I get tired, I get lazy, I get selfish... there are a million reasons why I don't do more, and then I just get frustrated and upset trying to justify just how much I've really done to make myself feel better, but really only making things worse. Truth is- I harbor so much anger, hurt, resentment that I can't let go of completely. A little too much information I'm sure, but I suppose this is my only true form of release. I've done the best that I can do up to this point. Maybe I should take solace in that fact, but that doubt creeps up from the back of my mind. Have I really done my best? (Why does it matter? I can't change it now.) What if I wouldn't done this differently? (What If's never make you feel better.) Life never ever does turn out the way you expect it to, but things do seem to work out. I feel ungratful. I have an amazing husband who would do anything to make me happy. He has been the one truly wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, yet this hurt and anger that I carry ends up dumped on him on almost a daily basis. I feel bombarded with my own self criticism worst of all. I feel self centered. I keep telling myself I need to do more for others, more for my husband... but it's never enough. I've prayed and pleaded with God and pleaded some more for peace. I just want to let go of what I can't control, the past that I can't change. And I want the strength to love and live fully in the moment, and move forward, abandoning the past that won't seem to relinquish the chains that seem to bind my soul. I guess the reason I get so emotional about my friends, is that I don't want them to end up like me. I have a pretty good life with my husband and I've been blessed in more ways than I can count, but my heart bleeds for the mistakes that I've made. I've sought for answers from God, from spiritual leaders, and friends for ways to let go. Prayer. Service. Time. "Just give it time." Well, how much time?! Is it punishment from God? What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning that I'm missing? I'm trying so hard to understand. I'm trying to be patient in the Lord's timing, but sometimes I feel like I can't try anymore. I just want to throw everything down and say "I quit!" Maybe it's my lack of trust in my HeavenlyFather. Maybe the answer is right in front of me and I'm oblivious to it. Or maybe I just need more time. All I know is that time is wearing me down.