A Grain of Sand

Well, it's done. I could pretend that my divorce doesn't really affect me, and I could spare everyone the awkwardness of discussing it on here, but what for? It helps me to write about it, and well if it bothers you, I suppose you don't have to continue reading it. I am fully aware that my openness about my life may make some uncomfortable, but more than anything I hope that it makes people grateful. I also sincerely hope that my story can be shared with others so that they may learn from my mistakes and have hope that things do get better.
While Joseph was in Liberty Jail, in one of his bleakest moments he cried out, "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that coverth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1)
The Lord responded, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)
When Daniel and I first split up, I was sure life was over. I have experienced some pretty difficult things in life, but knowing I was responsible for destroying my temple marriage was life shattering. I had become so selfish and so consumed by my past. My eyes were blind to all the blessings I had, and I focused on all the things that had "gone wrong" in my life. This led to an overall dissatisfaction with my life and anger towards God. I didn't understand why Heavenly Father wouldn't just fix the things that needed to be fixed. I was so prideful and unwilling to accept His will for me without some good explanation. My spirituality suffered greatly and my relationship with my Savior and Father in Heaven were practically non-existent. Though I accepted that I had caused so many of the things that had gone wrong through my poor choices, I expected that once I started doing the things I should be doing (praying, reading scriptures, etc) that Heavenly Father would immediately repair all the damage that I had caused. Of course it never happened that way.
I spent the first couple months on my knees in the deepest despair feeling completely abandoned and rejected. The only thing I could think of was "why?" Why did God let me do this to my marriage? Why couldn't He fix this? Why was He letting me hurt this way? And why couldn't I feel Him anywhere near me? I cried to God many nights, asking Him where He was. I was in the darkest moments of my life and God was no where to be found.
It would've been easy to turn my back on God completely. It was tempting to just give up on the gospel and all that I've been taught. I was fortunately born of goodly parents, who taught me well and set the firm example to me to never give up. As often as I fell, they always taught me to pick myself up and carry on. A big part of me wanted to lay in bed and never get up again. The emptiness and pain seemed too much to bear. Heavenly Father in His wisdom not only blessed me with parents that would be able to help me through difficult times, but put me in a ward with a Bishop that truly has made a difference in my life. My Bishop has been an anchor in my life. I have learned so much from him and my testimony of a Bishop's inspiration has drastically increased. They encouraged me to continue praying and reading my scriptures and also counseled me to do other things that would draw me closer to the Lord. It had been so long since I had felt the Holy Ghost in my life, but at that point in my life I had no choice but to trust that there was a God, and that even though I couldn't feel Him, He could hear me. I felt like was talking to an empty sky most nights and couldn't figure out how stories of war between the Nephites and Lamanites were supposed to apply to me. Though discouraged, I persisted.
The persistence paid off. Slowly but surely I felt Him draw closer to me, or actually me to Him. I had become so numb to the Spirit, to have it back in my life was an indescribable feeling. Heavenly Father is truly a merciful God. As I grew closer to the Lord, He opened my heart and mind to many things. I no longer ask "why." I've learned that I have to trust in His will and know that if I continue to do all that He has asked of me, He will take care of me. I may not understand all the "whys", but God owes me no explanation, nor do I really need one. I know that His wisdom surpasses all my understanding.
The one thing that I know that Heavenly Father has assured me of is that my adversities and afflictions are but a moment. This life is just a grain of sand. And if I live faithfully, the reward will be eternal and far greater than any pain I may have endured in this life.
The gospel is true. Heavenly Father hears you. No matter what mistakes you've made, He still loves you. As bad as things may get, they do get better. Real happiness is only found in truth. Truth is found in living the gospel. If you can't feel Him, it isn't because He isn't there. Our plans are imperfect, but His plan is perfect. Every trial is an opportunity to learn and grow. Embrace it and keep an eternal perspective. When you fall, it's okay to shed a few tears, but pick yourself up, dry your eyes and move forward.
I am so thankful for the tender mercies of the Lord. He knows me so well, and has provided me with everything I need to be the best I can be. I'm grateful for so many people in my life and the love they've shown me. Thank you again for all the prayers, I have truly been touched by those who have reached out.