Elephant in the Room

So since I've gone private a number of questions have come up concerning my personal life and people seem to be picking up that something is wrong by my recent blogs. I will go ahead and be blunt on here because I know everybody that reads my blog and want to clear the air with you all.
Daniel and I are getting a divorce. I am not writing this for sympathy points or even defend what little is left of my dignity. No, instead I am writing this to dispel any misconception that I am the victim. Most of my readers are my good friends and I know friends tend to be biased and assume that blame must be cast on the other because heaven knows our friend would never do anything wrong. I appreciate the love and all the loyalty.
The truth is, my friends, that I am the reason this marriage is ending. Let me be clear that neither one of us has been perfect in our relationship, but Daniel is the best thing that has ever happened to me. In every area that I have been weak he has always been strong. He is kind and patient and most of all has a desire to do what's right and serve the Lord. Daniel has always been faithful to me and even more, he did everything in his power to make me happy.
I have never really felt worthy of such a wonderful man, and still look back and wonder if I ever really was deserving of him. I am thankful for all that he has done for me and everything he has been. I wish I could've been better. I wish with all my heart that we could work things out. He is my world and the only true love I've ever known. Aside from the love aspect, he has honestly been my very best friend. I have always been able to talk to him about anything and everything. I have made so many mistakes in our marriage and Daniel has always been by my side strengthening and supporting me, but I pushed him too far. Any other normal human being would've given up on me ages ago, but he gave his all and stuck it out. I am eternally grateful for that. I love Daniel with all of my heart. I can't imagine my life without him, but I have to. If I knew how to fix things, I would... but sometimes things are just beyond repair.
So there I've said it. Now you know my big secret and understand my "mysterious" blog posts. I just wanted to post this so that you all won't think Daniel is to blame. He isn't. He is a good man. I will always treasure the memories we made together and all the happiness he brought me. I have never felt happiness like I did with him. I hope that one day I can find it again.

So Blessed

Update: I got into Purdue North Central and will be starting classes in June. I'm very excited, but I'm sure I'll be less thrilled when I'm actually having to study :) It's finally starting to warm up here in NW Indiana, and I am basking in the sunshine.
On this Easter Sunday, I feel an immense gratitude for my Savior and His selfless gift of an infinite Atonement. Day by day, hour by hour I feel the hand of my Savior slowly putting me back together. It's been a puzzle I've been unable to complete myself, but with His perfectly eternal perspective He knows where to lay each piece so that it fits just right. I am grateful that I have my brother Ken serving a mission in Tempe, Arizona and another brother Arthur getting ready to serve in the Philippines,Naga mission. My brother Jay is currently serving in the Navy and always trying to find ways to bless our family. My youngest brother Paul is in his Sophomore year of high school and he strengthens me and keeps me grounded. Right now my brother Jay just returned from being overseas and we are all together as a family again except for Ken. We are nice and cozy in a two bedroom apartment, and even though it's cramped, I love it! My annoying little baby brothers are all grown up now, and it's crazy that I can actually have normal conversations with them! I am excited for Arthur to go serve the Lord, but I will really miss him especially since I feel like we have started to grow close this past month.
I have been truly blessed with an amazing family who loves me and is always there for me. I am amazed by the outpouring of blessings I have had even though I know I am so far from deserving a majority of them. A month ago I was certain that life was over, and that I had no reason to go on. I thought the darkness would surely swallow me whole and that what was broken was beyond repair. In Alma 26:27 it says "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold the Lord comforted us...bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success." Patience is not one of my strong points, in fact it has been something I have struggled with my whole life, but I have felt Heavenly Father working within me to give me strength to make the changes I desire to make. As I have prayed for patience and the strength to not just bear my burdens, but bear them well, my eyes have been opened to all the wonderful things Heavenly Father is still giving me. He loves me and wants me to be happy. And you know what? I am happy.

General Conference

I think is the first General Conference I have truly looked forward to in my entire life. It's sad to admit that, but my circumstances have really caused me to seek wisdom from those around me that I trust and especially my spiritual leaders. I am amazed that almost every talk given this weekend focused on trials, difficulties, and overcoming. So many stories and perspectives were shared, and I was fed. I am so grateful for a living prophet President Thomas S. Monson. I have taken for granted the blessings of having truly inspired men to lead and guide this church, but this weekend was a reawakening. After hearing so many comforting words from the speakers, I felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and reassurance that I would be okay.

Wrong Prayer

I read a scripture yesterday that really popped out to me and wanted to share it. In Romans 8:26 it reads "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." This particular line really struck me, and while I am no wise interpreter of scripture I pondered this line and found my own personal application. So often when faced with trials I have prayed for Heavenly Father to fix it or take it away. It wasn't until a recent discussion with my Bishop that I was shown that this is wrong. Yes, wrong. If we truly understand the gospel we will not desire for our trials to be taken away, but to be strengthened to overcome. This truth has shaken me, and made me really think about my prayers in general. How often is it that I am praying for the wrong things? They may not necessarily be bad, but I may not be getting answers because I am asking the wrong questions. By praying for Heavenly Father to take away my problems, I am losing an opportunity to learn and grow and to become stronger and more trusting in His plan for me. Alma and Amulek are a great example of praying for the right things. When they were bound in prison and watching their brothers and sisters be tossed into the fire, they didn't ask the Lord to break down the prison walls or loosen their bands, but they prayed "O Lord, give us strength according to our faith which is in Christ, even unto deliverance." Alma 14:26 By praying for strength to overcome and through their faith they were able to break the cords that bound them. I have lately been praying to know the right things to pray for... if that makes any sense. I think as humans we often pray for the wrong things without realizing it. We pray and know the things we are praying for are good, but in what way are they good? Is what we pray for really going to benefit us, not just temporally, but spiritually? I've made it a point not to pray for Heavenly Father to change my circumstances anymore, but instead for the strength to overcome. I have already felt a change in my heart and a growing faith in my Father and also in myself. Because of my Savior it is possible for me to overcome all challenges sent my way.

Thank You

This year is going by so quickly. It is already April and I need to start classes in May. I still don't know which school I'll be attending, but I suppose I better get on the ball. Right now I'm really grateful for the tender mercies of my Father in Heaven. He is always mindful of me. He gives me strength in my moments of weakness, and He has given me light in so much darkness. I have such great friends! I'm thankful for everyone who has reached out to me and shown me love despite my failures and shortcomings. Thank you for your prayers. I really can feel them.
So what is my plan? Well tentatively I am planning on finishing my education. Reading my Patriarchal Blessing has reinforced in me the need to do that. I have a few details to work out about the "where", but I am confident the Lord will guide me. I love you all and want you to know that I have been so touched by the love and concern expressed by you all. It's easy to feel lost in this world and I've been amazed by the outpouring of love. Please continue to pray for me; my trials are not over yet. But I do know that through the enabling powers of the Atonement, I will make it through. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My Father in Heaven has a plan for me, and I know it's one that includes happiness.