Hello August

Well, I can't believe I'm actually doing it. I received my orientation packet from Rio Grande and will be starting school Aug. 25. On Tuesday Aug 5 I'll be going to Canada for 10 days to visit my mother in law. I'm pretty excited about it especially since we are going to take a little road trip to Banff, which is supposed to be extremely beautiful. It'll be nice to get away for a bit, though I keep having these fears that Daniel is going to starve without me here. I don't know why I think that... I suppose it makes me feel like I'm needed for his survival, which realistically I know not to be true. Nevertheless, it some odd sense it soothes me.

I keep waiting for something to go wrong in the next few weeks that prevents me from going back to school, and I almost hope for it. As eager as I am to go back, I feel like my mind has turned to mush over the years, and I keep thinking I'm not going to be able to keep up in my classes. Where do all these feelings of self doubt come from??? I was always a fairly capable student, never a genius, but certainly did well enough. A few bumps in the road, and suddenly I feel like a fool who should just accept the life I've led to be the life I'll always have to live with.

Pride keeps me going. And for whatever fuel it costs, I just want to finish school. No more banking please! I know God has His plan for me, but I just would like to enlightened on it. I hope I'm doing the right thing for me and for my family. If I'm not, I'm sure running out of ideas. So here's for Plan A... wish me luck!

Traffic in the Sky

There's traffic in the sky
And it doesn't seem to be getting much better
There's kids playing games on the pavement
Drawing waves on the pavement
Shadows of the planes on the pavement
Its enough to make me cry
But that don't seem like it would make it feel better
Maybe its a dream and if I scream
It will burst at the seams
This whole place will fall to pieces
And then they'd say...

Well how could we have known?
I'll tell them it's not so hard to tell
If you keep on adding stones
Soon the water will be lost in the well

Puzzle pieces in the ground
But no one ever seems to be digging
Instead they're looking up towards the heavens
With their eyes on the heavens
There are shadows on the way to the heavens
It's enough to make me cry
But that don't seem like it would make it feel better
The answers could be found
We could learn from digging down
But no one ever seems to be digging
Instead they'll say...

Well how could we have known?
I'll tell them it's not so hard to tell
If you keep on adding stones
Soon the water will be lost in the well

Words of wisdom all around
But no one ever seems to listen
They're talking about their plans on paper
Building up from the pavement
There are shadows from the scrapers on the pavement
It's enough to make me sigh
But that don't seem like it would make it feel better
The words are still around
But the words are only sounds
And no one ever seems to listen
Instead they'll say

Well how could we have known?
I'll tell them it's really not so hard to tell
If you keep on adding stones
Soon the water will be lost in the well

-Jack Johnson

Back to School?

Yup, in my recent time off I've been doing alot of pondering and praying about what's next. Do I look for another job and get sucked back into the world of banking that I've so desperately wanted to escape for some time now? The hours are great and the pay is decent, but it wasn't really gratifying at all for me. Is it too much to ask for it to be gratifying? Maybe. A few people suggested I go back to school, but I brushed it off. I was filled with excuses like I didn't know when we'd be moving and I'd hate to start and then be stuck here mid semester while my husband goes off to another state. I also had not the slightest clue what I'd want to study. BYU was a joke for me. Not because it was easy at all, because it certainly was quite the opposite. It was more that I did not take it seriously especially my freshman year as someone of my freshman buddies may attest to. I spent the majority of my freshman year screwing around, staying up all night playing goofy night games and breaking into school buildings in the middle of the night to watch movies on the big screen... what was i thinking???! Since I took school so lightly you can probably imagine what my GPA was like. Got a number in your head? Lower. Trust me, much much lower. It was bad. So pretty much going back to school means starting over for me. I wouldn't even want to bother transferring any of my credits because it would hardly be worth it. That GPA would drag me down for a very very long time, and I just don't want that.
Two days ago I finally put my application in to the community college and plan on attending this fall if I can qualify for the in state rates. That's a long story in itself so I won't go into it. I'm looking at going into Dental Hygiene. I figure I'll get most of my pre-req's done here and then transfer to Pima Community College in Arizona, finish up the rest of my pre reqs and then apply to the program. I feel good for the first time a long time about this decision. It's just a matter of following through and hopefully the pieces will fall into place. Prayers are appreciated and any advice as well!

Unemployed

Yesterday was a bad day to say the least. It's official I am no longer employed. After a week of hearing that my job was in limbo due to a bank loss that was incurred by one of my tellers accepting a fraudulent check that I signed off on, a decision was finally made that someone had to take the blame. I pulled the short straw and got the boot. Unbelievable. It was kind of shocking and their was this mixture of fear, rage, and relief.
So what's next? I'm probably only going to be here a few more months and who's going to want to hire me on that basis? I really prefer to not have to lie flat out, but what other choice would I have? US Bank is truly one of the worst places I have ever worked. I worked with great people personally, but as a company they have no appreciation for their employees. Let me rephrase that, they seem to appreciate the people in big suits, but tend to conveniently overlook us little people. Ah, what can you expect from a big company right? Well lucky me, this is not that first national financial instituion I've worked for. Wells Fargo Bank on the other hand, is a great company to work for. I won't lie, I've had many days at that bank where I wanted to shoot myself in the eye. It's a job like any other job, and some days you are simply going to hate it. But Wells Fargo Bank, unlike US Bank who claims to compete, are night and day. Wells Fargo made every effort to show us we were appreciated. They also made it a company wide message and attitude in all ranks of management to find ways to recognize their employees. And this they did. Apparently US Bank has some time of recognition programs, but for some reason I heard very very very little about them. At Wells Fargo Bank, I never feared for my job. They understood that being on a teller involved a much more difficult process than most give credit for. With fraud at the levels that it is today, you are not going to escape having losses. In a perfect world, every teller would catch every bad check and every scam, but then again, in a perfect world there just wouldn't be any fraud to catch. US Bank has instilled fear in all of their employees from the moment I stepped my foot in the door in November 2007. It doesn't take long to see that it only takes one mistake and you are out the door. I was only there a couple of months before I saw the first person lose their job. In the short 8 months that I've been there I've seen at least 3 get the boot. The best thing about the whole situation is that US Bank is too cheap to invest in better training for their employees! It was truly shocking to me witness the complete lack of investment in their employees. Wells Fargo had extensive training for all of their employees, not only as a new employee, but they do continuous training and classes and also have excellent web based training. I could say other wise for US Bank. The list goes on and on and all in all I should be grateful that I don't work for that company anymore, but unfortunately I still have bills to pay.
Daniel would argue we can make it. Sure money will be really tight, but he thinks I should just take a breather for the next few months since the likelihood of him getting the job in AZ is high. I was never really one to leave things to chance. I'm a "control your own destiny" type of person, and don't have much patience for the "wait and see" ideals. But then again... a breather would be sooo nice. I might go visit my mother in law in Canada for a couple of weeks. I don't know. I suppose I will try to adopt this "wait and see" temporarily. Besides after the turmoil of working for US Bank I sure as heck think I deserve this break!

What is wrong with me?

I have to thank my Heavenly Father for outpouring of eye opening experiences I've had lately. Tonight I am feeling rather low about my recent behavior to a new employee at my job. As some of you know I was promoted to a management position at US Bank within the past month. I work at a fairly busy downtown branch, and due to various reasons we've been very short staffed. We recently hired a new teller. I had misgivings about her because of previous runins with her. She came off as the type of personality I clash with. So from the moment she started working with me, I had it out for her. She spent almost 2 weeks on her web based training that should've only taken 3 days. When you try to explain things to her she interjects and never lets you finish saying what you have to say.

My husband says I tend to have very high expectations of myself and others, and when those expectations aren't met, I come down very hard not just on myself but others. He's said this more times than I can count, yet I don't think I ever really HEARD him. I was having less and less patience for my new teller because she wasn't picking up on things as quickly as I had hoped. From my perspective I felt she didn't take it seriously, and all in all it was hurting us more to have her there than helping us. I take my job seriously, but maybe I've taken it too seriously.

This new employee broke into tears today telling me she didn't appreciate the way I treated her. She told me I was belittling her, and talking down to her and she knew that I was obviously very frustrated with her and that she was going to put in her resignation tomorrow. AGH. I was shocked by her outburst. My first reaction was to become defensive and point out everything she did that caused me to treat her this way (as if that would justify my behavior). I realized in that moment that I had hurt somoene because of my careless acts. Who do I think I am that I can treat someone this way? Sure, I didn't realize I had come off as badly as she portrayed, but I knew in my heart I surely wasn't innocent. I apologized and we talked a little bit, but I know things are still unsettled. It appalls me that I could actually be so cruel and it took a confrontation for me to stop and care. Patience was never a strong virtue of mine, but I'm disgusted by what I've allowed myself to become. Even worse, I'M supposed to be an EXAMPLE. Most of all I'm ashamed. In the grand scheme of the things, all the things that upset me about her truly don't matter. I don't know what's going to happen... but something's gotta change. And I'm guessing that change has to come from me.

4th of July Festivities

I have to say I was quite impressed with the festivities in Gallipolis for the 4th of July. Yes the rides were certainly overpriced. And maybe the floats weren't as fancy as they are in other parades. And ok, the grand finale for the fireworks show could've been a little better ( i didn't even realize it was over until people started getting up and leaving and I realized there just weren't anymore fireworks.) But heck, we had a great time! We rode the ferris wheel, ate funnel cake and drank a big 32 oz of fresh squeezed lemonade. Partied with friends and family and ate some more. Who could ask for more?

If I love Him...

Well I survived through my lesson. I spent quite some time on my knees and felt that my lesson went well. Maybe I didn't change any one's life, but I know I was touched by my Savior. They say often time we are asked to give talks or teach lessons for our benefit if not anyone else's. While I don't think I learned anything new, I was gently reminded of things I already knew. Visiting teaching is not always the easiest thing to do. There are always a million reasons not to do it. Lack of babysitting. Lack of vehicle. Gas is too expensive. I dislike my companion. I feel uncomfortable around people I don't know. etc. etc. These were a few of the things that came up in Relief Society about why someone wouldn't go visiting teaching... but the blessings promised are so great. As we strengthen our relationships in the church our feet stabilize and grow stronger in the gospel. As we nurture others, we in turn are fed. It's a beautiful cycle that can bless us as much or as little as we allow it to. Visiting teaching still terrifies me on a small level, but I know I need to do it. You never know what someone may be going through. We might not realize how desperately they needed that phone call from you or the lesson you were prompted to give. We have an opportunity to change people's lives. The results may not be overnight. We may never even see the results ourselves, but that doesn't mean they won't come.

"So when they had dined Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.
He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.
He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep." John 21:15-17

The Lord never asks of us more than we are capable, and He will ALWAYS bless us for following His commandments. So then we must ask ourselves, do we really truly love Him? We will always fall short, but we must never give up the battle. We must strive to stand a little taller, reach a little deeper. Only then will we come to know the Lord, and come to really know ourselves.

The visiting teaching assignments were conveniently handed out right after my lesson. I pray I can be an example and be in tune with the Spirit. It will certainly be a challenge, but the good things in life never come easy!

This is very similar to my journal writing habits

I write and progressively each month it gets to be less and less... hmm! Well family update, Daniel did passed his entrance exam if anyone is wondering! He will be taking another test on Tuesday and all of his paperwork has been submitted. He has his actual interview in 2 weeks! After that it's a waiting game.
As for me I just recently took a job promotion. I am working as the Teller Coordinator for US Bank and conveniently it is right across the street from where I live. I was especially grateful for this, since we live right smack downtown in Gallipolis, OH. And today they had the 4th of July parade and tonight the fireworks. While there is only a populaion of 5000, all of those people come out for these types of deals. They've had a 3 day festival going on and it's almost impossible to find parking. So thank goodness for not having to drive!
On another note, this Sunday is my day to teach in Relief Society.... YIKES! I've never ever ever taught a Sunday school class or a relief society class. Last time it was my turn, I got out of it due to a combined meeting with the Priesthood and the Branch President giving the lesson. Ok some may say no big deal. But over a period of time I've developed quite a phobia of standing in front of groups of people. My topic is Visiting Teaching and the best part about that is there hasn't been any visiting teaching in our branch for a loooong time. At least not since I've been here and we got here in October. I feel slightly stressed out by the task at hand and have spent much time on my knees pleading for direction. So everyone please pray for me!
Well I suppose I should stop procrastinating and go clean house. We're having friends and family over for fireworks tonight and then Max, my awesome brother in law, is coming to visit for a week! Ahhh busy busy!