Breakthrough

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a queen even at times when it is undeserved. I live in a nice apartment and sleep on a comfortable bed every night. I have parents who have raised me in the gospel and though they aren't perfect have always been loving and supportive. Growing up, I've lived in many different places which has blessed me with the ability to adapt. I had the opportunity to attend BYU and make friends that would be a positive influence during crucial times in my life. I've always been blessed with good jobs. I can pay my bills. I was married in the temple. I am healthy (for the most part!). I am loved.
Putting aside all the garbage from this world, today I've decided to take a step back and be grateful for my life and the way it's all worked out. My Heavenly Father has never left me, nor does He leave any of us. I can only hope to be a tool in His hands to bless the lives of others as He has placed those in my life that have blessed me. The Lord loves us so much and wants to bless us. I am lucky to know this.

Standoff with a slice of humble pie

I'm still angry. I have finally broken down and decided to be "supportive" but mostly due to the fact that I'm just so in love with my husband and would never want to cause him further anguish. Let me be clear, my support does not mean I condone these actions. I will be the first to say "I oppose." But everyone in the family is being so strong about it. So I gave a little. Not a lot.
It's really difficult to watch the people you love make poor decisions. I know I should be slow to judge because if anyone has done some really stupid things, it would be me. I have owned the "stupid rock" for more than a fair portion of my life. My saving grace is my testimony of the gospel. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has literally saved my life. I've been blessed with many wonderful examples, who have given me the gift of wanting to be better.
So it is difficult for me to understand someone who believes the same things I do (or I thought they did) go against everything I've been taught my whole life. Maybe I don't have all the information, but that's where the problem lies. If I don't, then I am entitled to it. I deserve an explanation. We all do! So far I've heard nothing to justify the actions that have been taken. I've kept my mouth shut, but I cannot hide my distaste any longer.
I am hurt. How else do I describe it? Someone I love and hold dear has let me down. How do you cope with that? I know I don't stand innocent. I know that my behavior and attitude is wrong in so many ways... but there are certain people you unfairly expect to never let you down, and when they do... then you're where I'm at right now. Torn between what you FEEL is right and what you KNOW is right. I know that last statement makes little sense, but its where I'm at. With a heart wide open, this is me.

I'm too old for this

Excuse me while I throw a tantrum. I am angry. Yesterday in composition we were asked to do a journal entry on how we see ourselves. My first thought was "extreme." When I love, I love passionately. And when I'm angry, I take no prisoners. This obviously makes life wonderful and exciting, but there comes a darkness with it too. I have trouble moderating my emotions, even when my head is telling me "Cyd, you know better. Act your age." I just don't care! I want to clench my fists and stomp my feet and call names.
I am angry. I am angry when people hurt me, but I'm angrier when people hurt the ones I love. I know I should be more mature, but I simply just don't want to right now. I have no concern about burning bridges...as I said, take no prisoners. I should be concerned. I should be supportive. I should be... happy? No, I shouldn't be happy. It's absolutely ridiculous to have to be happy about something that makes someone else hurt. So NO, I'm not happy.
And how can I be supportive of something that just seems so wrong to me? I'm trying to look back on how my parents treated me when I was making poor decisions. Were they supportive?? I think they always loved me, and they stood by me through the difficult times but I don't recall them encouraging me to make mistakes. And that's how I see this. A HUGE mistake. Maybe this blog was a mistake. Oh well. I don't know how else to release all this emotion. This is all I've got.

So Much to Do

So my parents are finally coming to pick up the dogs this weekend. I'm really excited to see them and unfortunately they won't be here very long, but in the meantime I've got to study for 5 exams that I have next week plus scrub down the apartment and all the doggy gear to get packed up. I just got back from the grocery store and figured I'd take a nice little nap after I stowed away all the goods. In the process I realized the trash was full and so I took it out and was about to set it aside until I realized some unpleasant brown liquid was seeping from the bottom. Awesome. That of course meant that I couldn't wait for Daniel to take it out when he got home (I know I'm lazy) I had to drag it out the back myself and down the hundred year old rickety wood steps that I always fear I'm going to fall off of. I came back inside to an extra unpleasant smell, from that nasty brown residue I'm sure and popped open the trash can to survey the damage. Mold. Mold?? Mold was growing in the bottom of my trash can. How did this happen? I have a phobia of dirty trash cans and can't stand the sight of them so I scrub it down probably more than most people, so I was quite dismayed to see a green ball of fuzz growing in my white trash can. Did I mention I also have a phobia of mold? My stomach just churns whenever I see it. So now I have to scrub down the trash can and I don't have any rubber gloves and I most certainly do not want that mold anywhere near my skin. yuck yuck yuck! So I guess what I'm trying to say is I should be cleaning instead of blogging or even sleeping instead of blogging, but I'm not. If i avoid something maybe it'll go away. That is the motto I've lived by and I'm sticking by it. I've yet to see success with it, but isn't patience a virtue? :)

I am an A student

Yay!!!! I just checked my first anatomy quiz grade and I got 100 percent! I was so stressed about it yesterday! I'm sooooooooooo relieved!

I Hate Construction

I was running a few minutes late this morning, but I usually am early getting to school so I knew I'd be fine and make it probably just in time for class. I'd spent the previous night preparing hard for my Biology Lab Quiz and was confident and ready to go. As I'm driving down the road about to make my left turn onto Rt 160, lo and behold i see a bunch of orange cones blocking off the turn lane and the actual road I needed to turn onto. New Paint Job. Are you kidding? Could you maybe do one side at a time so as not to close it off completely??? Of course that would've required some brains. Sorry. I am feeling particularly nasty about this morning and have always been annoyed with how inconsiderate the people are that plan these construction projects. I just felt sick to my stomach when I saw this. Well nothing I could do but hit the gas and take the long way to school. When I got to campus, class had already started and I was again reminded of how out of shape I am as my efforts to jog quickly failed and I ended up doing a "fast-walk." I "fast-walked" into class, sounding like a bull dog with breathing problems. Everyone of course looked up and stared at me and to my horror I realized the quiz had already been passed out. I looked around the classroom for the professor, and she was no where to be found. I was in luck though, I snatched a quiz from off of her desk and had it done in 5 minutes. The professor didn't even notice... or if she did, she didn't say anything.
To add to the awesomeness of the day, I was wearing one of my cute new shirts I had bought in Canada. I will never ever wear a new button down shirt on Thursdays. Thursdays are the days that I am on campus from 10:30 to 9:30 at night. As if things weren't going well enough for me, I started progressively losing buttons throughout the day. Good thing I was wearing a tank top underneath.
On the other hand, I was thinking that if I was at BYU and single I probably would've been horrified by the missing buttons. Instead I just calmly tucked my buttons away into my pocket thinking I would sew them back on later. Of course I only lost two buttons. Had I lost all of them, that would've been a different story.