Excuse me while I throw a tantrum. I am angry. Yesterday in composition we were asked to do a journal entry on how we see ourselves. My first thought was "extreme." When I love, I love passionately. And when I'm angry, I take no prisoners. This obviously makes life wonderful and exciting, but there comes a darkness with it too. I have trouble moderating my emotions, even when my head is telling me "Cyd, you know better. Act your age." I just don't care! I want to clench my fists and stomp my feet and call names.
I am angry. I am angry when people hurt me, but I'm angrier when people hurt the ones I love. I know I should be more mature, but I simply just don't want to right now. I have no concern about burning bridges...as I said, take no prisoners. I should be concerned. I should be supportive. I should be... happy? No, I shouldn't be happy. It's absolutely ridiculous to have to be happy about something that makes someone else hurt. So NO, I'm not happy.
And how can I be supportive of something that just seems so wrong to me? I'm trying to look back on how my parents treated me when I was making poor decisions. Were they supportive?? I think they always loved me, and they stood by me through the difficult times but I don't recall them encouraging me to make mistakes. And that's how I see this. A HUGE mistake. Maybe this blog was a mistake. Oh well. I don't know how else to release all this emotion. This is all I've got.
Mormon Batallion 175 year Anniversary
1 week ago
3 comments:
Ok. I'm thinking there is more to this story that meets the eye. Maybe we need to schedule a phone chat? :)
You know I can totally relate to this. I have a bit of a ... sharp tongue myself. And, I have been known to tell people off in an attempt to "set them straight." But, you and I both know that this just doesn't work.
The first thing that came to mind when I read your blog is this scripture (it helps me when I'm going through similar things):
Alma 38:12
Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love;
There's an art to bridling your "passions", there's an art to being bold with overbearance. It won't come over night. But, if you work on it, it will happen.
And, just in case you've forgotten, you ARE passionate and extreme, but you're also one of the most empathetic, nonjudgemental, and compassionate people I know. Rely on those qualities.
I had a few typos. In a rush. I'm sure you know what I mean, though...
I'm just going to say "ditto" to holli... I was going to mention the typos however, but you took care of that with the disclaimer. j/k.
You are an amazing woman, and I am MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU!
I definitely wouldn't have married any different type of personality. We are in a pretty awkward position. I guess you saw a little of my frustration last night, but thanks for being there for me.
And for what it's worth, I really do feel like the right thing to do is for both of us to be there. Not to support a bad decision, but to show someone we will still love them even though to us it seems like a radical, irrational, crazy, selfish etc. thing to do.
It's nice to see you have good friends that give good advice. Anything out of the scriptures is usually great advice!
Love you!!
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