Insulted

Church was rough today. I was having a pleasant morning with a nice spiritual feeding until Relief Society. One of our new converts approached me and asked me if I'd talked to my friend.

I guess I better start with some background info. During my Sunday to teach in Relief Society I had shared some personal information about one of my best friends who is struggling with the church. She is someone I hold very near and dear to my heart and I think about her everyday and pray for her constantly hoping that I might find a way to help her find her way. She is also a convert (baptized while I was at BYU) and she is an incredible person and friend.

Needless to say, after my lesson that day I had several approach me, imparting their personal experiences and wisdom. I appreciated everyone's concern and it touched me greatly to feel their love for someone they didn't even know that I love so much. Well this one particular new convert came to me with a message, that to be honest I can't even really remember everything that was said. I remember thinking it was strange, but understood her intentions were pure. She said something about my friend needing to hear a message from me. She said there was somebody important in her life or about to come into her life and that she needed to pay attention. That's about all I remember. Well anyways, this sister approached me today and asked me if I had talked to my friend. I responded telling her I hadn't talked to her for a while since I had been out of town. I surely wasn't expecting what came next. This sister proceeded to scold me. She actually appeared angry with me! She started saying how I should have called her, and it's a shame that I didn't pass on the message because the Lord really wanted her to hear it and now she might miss out some important thing in her life basically because of me. I was completely mortified.

First of all the subject of my friends is a very very touchy subject for me. I have had many sleepless nights and cried many tears over my friends who have distanced themselves from the church. This is not something I've really shared openly before, but I carry a guilt on my shoulders for their actions. I know ultimately their decisions are theirs and I can't force them to do anything. This is Satan's way not our Heavenly Fathers, but I look back on some of the poor decisions I made and the example I was and I feel so much shame. I just can't shake the "what if?" My testimony has grown so much and despite so many many mistakes I've been blessed beyond I could've comprehended a couple years ago. There's nothing I want more than that true eternal happiness that I know is within all of our grasps. I want my friends to reap the rewards I am just now beginning to experience for myself.

I was so hurt to be so openly judged like that in front of the other sisters. I tried to respond as positively as possible, especially being in the Relief Society Presidency I feel quite a bit more pressure to be an example... who knows I might've said something I would've regretted. But her remarks really hurt me and as soon as I got out of church I broke down. I could hardly pay attention the rest of the meeting. I know Satan was working on me hard today. He wants so badly for me, for everyone, to feel worthless. Even though I know Satan was the author of these negative feelings, I couldn't help but direct my anger towards this sister. I wanted to confront her and tell her that she had no idea the half of it. And how dare she accuse me of something she didn't know anything about! I wanted her to know that I am a good friend and don't just toss my friends to the back burner because I'm busy. And then even worse I wanted to make her feel bad. I wanted to correct her and make her feel stupid. This was my pride really kicking in. I wanted to tell her that no one was entitled to any inspiration for my friend except for herself and her spiritual leaders. Not even myself and especially not someone who doesn't know her is going to receive revelation for her. And then I wanted to tell her to take her "inspirations" and well... keep it to herself. AAAAHHH!!! I know I know it's horrible. I probably shouldn't have written those last few sentences, but I guess I needed to get it out.
I know she meant no harm and so I decided it's not really worth me confronting her about it. She's a new convert and I'd hate to be the one to drive her away from something so important. It just wasn't worth it. For a moment there I didn't think my pride was worth sacrificing, but it is. I just pray this is a one time event... I don't know how else to handle this.