I Told You So

Many of you know my passion for music and lyrics. This is a newer song by Carrie Underwood that really touched me. I suppose I can relate to it, and that's why it hits a soft spot. It's been a really indescribable experience to go through a divorce. Though I wish neither Daniel nor I had to experience the pain brought on, I have learned some valuable lessons that I'm not sure I would've learned any other way. For the first time in my life, I feel really good about who I am and where I am going. For my whole life, I struggled with who I was and a past I couldn't forget. I let previous mistakes haunt me, and carried a burden not knowing how to unload it. I am unloading it now, and the joy and peace I have felt has been worth every tear cried and every moment of pain and suffering. The gospel is an amazing thing. I am doing remarkably well given the circumstances, but I can't say that I don't miss my husband. I do.

Divorce brings up so many mixed emotions. Anger, disgust, sadness, hopelessness, relief, fear, hopefulness, longing...it leaves you feeling nothing but confusion about how you're supposed to feel. But there is one emotion that surpasses all. Love. It doesn't disappear overnight or even over months. So while I'm happy for the person I am becoming, it's hard not to share that joy with the one that matters most.

I believe with my whole heart that Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for me. I trust in it. I just don't know what that plan is, and I am struggling with how I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to do. I know in the end, all will be well and as they should be, but for now I really miss Daniel and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

"Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I wanna come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone
If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted
And it's killin' me to be so far away
Would you tell me that you love me too
And would we cry together
Or would you simply laugh at me and say

I told you so
Oh, I told you so
I told you someday you'd come crawlin' back and askin' me to take you in
I told you so
But you had to go
Now I've found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand
Would we get that old time feelin'
Would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began
Would you tell me that you miss me too
And that you've been so lonely
And you've waited for the day that I returned
And we'd live in love forever
And that I'm your one and only
Or would you say the table's finally turned

Would you say I told you so
Oh, I told you so
I told you someday you'd come crawlin' back and askin' me to take you in
I told you so
But you had to go
Now I've found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again

Now I've found someone new and you will never break my heart in two again"

"I Told You So" - Carrie Underwood

Here's to Love and Good Friends

I am pleased to publicly announce the engagement of my good friends Brittany Damon and Brody Bleumel! They will be sealed for time and all eternity in the Nauvoo Temple September 3, 2009. And the Maid of Honor is... drum roll please! ....... me!! As you can see I am very excited about this. Brittany and I met just a couple of months ago, but clicked right away. We seem to be opposites in many ways, but its a good thing. Despite how different we are, we have come to love and respect each other (well I certainly can say so on my behalf). Brittany is the most easy going, fun loving person you'll ever meet. Most brides planning a wedding in 3 1/2 months, while finishing up an accelerated nursing program that takes up quite a bit of time, and preparing to take the boards, AND learning German so she can find a job when they move in October so Brody can get his masters in German. Yes, she has quite a bit on her plate, but has managed to not let these things stress her out. We went wedding dress shopping today, and I certainly wasn't expecting a purchase to be made, but the first dress she tried on was a winner! Talk about an easy going bride, had it been me I would've insisted on scouring a million other places before I made my decision. The best thing about Brittany and Brody is their love and acceptance to all those around them. They know my story and love me the same. Their friendship has been a great strength to me. They are two wonderful people and I'm so excited that they are together. When I look at them, I can't help but smile. Their love is so pure and beautiful... it reminds me so much of the good times Daniel and I had. You would think that would make me sad, but more than anything I just feel happy that such wonderful friends get to experience the joy of finding the person that you can't picture life without, the one you want to see every morning when you wake up, and the person that makes you feel safe through the night. I wish them many happy years, and a beautiful eternity. And I'm going have a blast helping with the planning!

The War Is Past

I recently read a talk by Elder D. Chad Richardson titled Forgiving Oneself. It is one of the best talks I've read, and I wanted to share a bit about it. Coincidentally it shared the story of Joseph Smith and William W. Phelps, as did our lesson in Relief Society also on the topic of forgiveness.
W.W. Phelps was scolded for his misuse of the Church's funds and selling lands contrary to the prophet's counsel. Instead of humbling himself, Bro. Phelps took offense and became a strong opposition to the Church. He took part in signing an affidavit against the Prophet Joseph, which led to the order of extermination of Mormons by Governor Bogg's in Far West Missouri. As a result, Joseph Smith was put in the Liberty Jail to suffer through a cold winter.
At some point W. W. Phelps recognized his mistakes and asked for forgiveness from Joseph Smith, to which Joseph responded "Come on, dear brother, since the war is past. For friends at first are friends again at last."
This gives me chills every time I read it. I am amazed by the Prophet's ability to forgive a man that caused so much pain and anguish not just to the Saints, but to him personally. Bro. Phelps went on to write "Praise to the Man" after their reconciliation.
Elder Richardson says "As we sang that hymn in stake conference, I was deeply moved by one line in the chorus: 'Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.' How I wondered, could Bro. Phelps speak of traitors and tyrants fighting the Prophet when he himself had been one? Immediately I realized not only that Bro. Phelps was no longer a traitor but also that he must have come to no longer see himself as one. The genuine, complete love and trust he received from Bro. Joseph helped make it possible for him not only to forgive himself but also to erase his image of himself as a traitor."
Often time when we think of forgiveness we think of other people and how we must forgive them for how they've wronged us, but the scriptures clearly state "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." D&C 65:10 This includes ourselves. Just as we extend a humble and forgiving heart to others, we must offer ourselves the same gift.
Godly sorrow is a gift from God, and it is our choice whether or not to receive it. The process of repentance cannot be complete without experiencing this miraculous gift. Elder Richardson describes the relationship of Godly Sorrow and the way we view ourselves. "There is no room in Godly sorrow for self-contempt. Those who refuse to forgive themselves thus bear a double burden of sin, for not only do they carry the sin itself, but they also add to it the sin of self-condemnation and refusing to forgive. Indeed, refusal to forgive is cited in the scriptures as 'the greater sin'" D&C 64:9
Again I have never viewed forgiveness in this light. I always knew the importance of forgiving those around me, but never quite understood the self application. As humans I think many of us err in self forgiveness. It seems so much easier sometimes to forgive someone for an offense against us, but do we truly forgive ourselves also? I know I struggle with this. I'm the type of person that has spent much of her life living in the past, asking the "what if's" and constantly beating myself up for the things I should've done differently. I never understood why I was this way, and as I am blogging I am suddenly receiving clarification for why I have lived that way. I have yet to forgive myself for so many past mistakes. I have spent many nights crying for all the people I set a bad example for, for the cruel words I have said in anger, and the lives I changed not for the better. In a sense I feel like Alma ,"harrowed up by the memory of my many sins." Alma 36:17 I couldn't let go; I didn't know how to let go. Even now, it still pains me to think back on the many terrible mistakes I have made. The difference is Alma was able to let go all of his sins because of the gift of the Atonement. He says "I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world. Now as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me...And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more." Alma 36:17-19 The story of Alma the Younger has always been one of my favorites because I felt like I could relate to him, but I've realized that I focused on the first half of his story, never really understanding the latter when he was freed from the pains and burdens he had carried. Because of true repentance and his complete trust and belief in his Savior and the great sacrifice He made for us, he was able to release himself from a past that bound him. We must all do the same.
They say forgive and forget, and the "forgetting" is something that never really made sense to me. Elder Richardson clears this up, "Forgetting is part of forgiving. But forgiving oneself involves a special kind of forgetting. We don't forget the sin and its effects; rather, the memory ceases to be part of how we see ourselves. For example, when Alma had been forgiven of his sins, he said, 'I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more' Alma 36:19 The fact that he could describe his repentance to his son Heleman showed that a memory was still there. But through Christ's Atonement and forgiveness, that memory lost its edge of guilt and self-recrimination."
I have sinned, but I am not my sins. We all fall short of the glory of God, but we have an infinite Atonement that is offered to all of us to make up for all our shortcomings no matter how great or small. I am so grateful that I was able to read this talk. I wasn't looking for a talk on forgiving myself when I happened upon it, but I know the Lord guided me to it. I have done some terrible things in my life. I've made really bad decisions and have hurt many people. I can try to make restitution, but I can't change what's been done. We have to forgive ourselves before we can expect the Lord to forgive us.
I feel so truly blessed right now. Despite my many weaknesses, I have never felt His love for me as strongly as I do now. I'm grateful for my Savior. He made it possible for me to be made whole, and He is waiting with open arms ready to remove all of my burdens as soon as I'm willing to turn it over. I've got a pretty large load, so it's taking some time, but one by one I am giving Him everything. He is near me; I can feel Him everyday.

Landed

I got the job at Ann Taylor!!! You would think one wouldn't be that excited over a job that really doesn't pay that much, but I am. I start Monday, and just as I suspected, we get a really nice discount as employees. I certainly won't complain.

Anyways, speaking of jobs... I have recently debated a career change. Originally in the pursuit of dental hygiene, I've now closely reconsidered Nursing. There is a school in the town that I live that offers an accelerated Bachelor's program for Nursing. It takes 15 months and starts every May. I'm not sure I can have all the pre-req's done by next May, but I currently in contact with school trying to see if it's possible. If it is, that would be so awesome. My tentative nursing plan is do pre-req's for a year, start the accelerated program May 2010 and finish Aug. 2011. Work for one year and apply for CRNA school, which is another 2-3 years. So yeah... a lot more schooling left, but much better money. Nothing is set in stone yet, and I haven't officially decided one way or another. I dread having to stay in this area another year, but... I can't complain because I live for free. It's hard being 24 and living with mom and dad again, but I'm trying to swallow my pride and take advantage of money saving opportunities while I can. I've been independent since 17, it's kind of nice to be taken care of again.

So many decisions!

The Sign

I just typed a blog and decided not to post it. Have you ever written something that is so negative and don't realize it until you're done? Yeah that's what I did. Although I can't say I'm feeling particularly happy or optimistic right now. I just can't wait until I remove the "Please treat me like crap" sign that apparently hangs from my neck.
In an effort to be positive, I'm excited for my interview today. It's beautiful outside, and one of my really good friends is getting married! We had a blast trying on wedding dresses. She is going to be a beautiful bride. Oh how I love planning weddings that aren't mine. So much less stressful!

The Hunt

So I have been looking for a job now for a little over a month, and haven't had the best luck. I recently had an interview with 5/3 and I think they want to offer me the position, but I've decided to withdraw my application since my fall schedule is going to be very hectic during the daytime hours... so that won't work so well with a daytime job. Unfortunately. At the same time I absolutely have grown to appreciate life outside of banking, so this was the perfect excuse needed to not apply for anymore banking jobs! Phew!
So now that the area I have the most experience in (the past 5 years) is out of the question, where does that leave me? Well I was a server for a small, but busy restaurant in Provo for a summer, and once upon a time I worked retail for about a year. So here's my issue. I would much rather work in retail because, not to sound prissy, but you stay clean. You don't sweat and smell like food, and who can argue that they don't love the discounts? Especially when it's my FAVORITE store- Ann Taylor. Yes I have an interview with them tomorrow, and it's pretty much my dream job. Ok not at all, but it is my FAVORITE store which is a really good thing and really bad thing. Working in retail has proven not to pay very well and with the little money that I make... staring at clothes that adore all day will make it very difficult for me not to spend the very little money I make.
I have a couple friends who have said they would try to help me get a job at a server at the restaurants they work at. Serving. Agh. It's stressful. It's stinky. And people are rude. I thought people were rude at banks, but they are worse when it comes to food. I should've realized this since I know what a grouch I become when I'm hungry. To be quite honest being a waitress is tiring. And I have a secret fear that customers will hate me and that I'll mess up orders and get yelled at. BUT the money is typically better in serving. If you're good at the job, you have the potential to bring home a nice sum in tips. But who's to say I will be good at it? So that is my dilemma. Maybe Ann Taylor won't hire me and then there won't be a dilemma, but for now this is where I'm at. Feel free to offer opinions. :)

Reaping the Benefits of Mother's Day

Our dearest dogs have been nibbling on the remnants of delicious T Bone Steaks. Toby is a Maltese and is the most gentle dog ever except when it comes to T Bones. Don't mess with him... he might just bite your finger off :)

Happy Mother's Day

I'm sure many of you feel this way about your own mother's but excuse my bias when I say, I have the BEST mother in the world. Mind you, I didn't always feel this way, especially through my teenage years when I felt oppressed and misunderstood. But doesn't every teenager? I remember my skepticism when she would tell me one day you'll be grateful that I didn't let you do this or I told you to do that. Well she was right 99% of the time. I also remember the conviction I felt as a teenager that I would never be like my mother.
With age, my opinion of my mother has obviously drastically changed. I look at her with so much love and respect. I once viewed her as weak, but for the same reasons I thought she was weak I now am amazed at her for her strength and determination. I've come to really admire my mother's love for the Lord. Even when no one is watching she always lives her life with a true desire to do what's right. The things that seem gray to me in this gospel are black and white to her. She has such a clear understanding of her standing with the Lord and is always finding ways to strengthen it. She has been the example of the type of woman I hope with all of my heart I can become.
During this particularly difficult time, she has been my confidant. She held me many long nights as I cried with despair. She comforted me and prayed for me. She counseled me. She served me. Even with her busy schedule, she always finds ways to do kind things for me- whether it be buying me a delicious beef jerky stick ( I love them), or making me a delicious dessert. She works hard and rarely complains when the rest of us lazily stand by. I'm sure that one day when I'm a mother, I will have an even greater respect for what she does. I am proud to call her my Mother and hope that I can one day at least equal in her goodness.

Happy Mother's Day Everyeone!

Beach Babes

Yesterday was a beautiful day! NWI is finally showing warm weather here to stay... hopefully! Since the sun was out and I was feeling re-energized, I decided to go check out my new school and take care of some errands. Purdue North Central in Westville is where I'll be attending. It is a beautiful campus. I was thoroughly impressed. The staff was very helpful and friendly, and I was able to get my financial aid taken care of and register for classes. This summer I think I've decided on taking Intro to Sociology and Intro to Psychology... pre-req's for Dental Hygiene. It just so happens that I am taking both classes from the same professor, so I cross my fingers that I like him. If not, this could be a long painful 8 weeks.
After checking out campus, I stopped over at my childhood friend's house- Kolbri Corder. Her sister Kresta was in town from California. After much debate we came to the conclusion that a picnic on the beach was called for to celebrate the good weather. Liam (kolbri's step son) entertained himself very easily by throwing pebbles into the lake. While Kolbri relaxed with baby Kenley, and Kresta and I whipped out our cameras. I have to say that I am falling more in love with photography. I only have a puny Canon Powershot, but it has some really cool features and since I'm an amateur, it works perfect for now. I however was very envious of Kresta's Canon Rebel. Trade? :) I don't think she would've, had I actually suggested that. Anyways it was a very fun peaceful day, and I love being around Kolbri and Kresta. They are some of the nicest girls you'll ever meet.