The War Is Past

I recently read a talk by Elder D. Chad Richardson titled Forgiving Oneself. It is one of the best talks I've read, and I wanted to share a bit about it. Coincidentally it shared the story of Joseph Smith and William W. Phelps, as did our lesson in Relief Society also on the topic of forgiveness.
W.W. Phelps was scolded for his misuse of the Church's funds and selling lands contrary to the prophet's counsel. Instead of humbling himself, Bro. Phelps took offense and became a strong opposition to the Church. He took part in signing an affidavit against the Prophet Joseph, which led to the order of extermination of Mormons by Governor Bogg's in Far West Missouri. As a result, Joseph Smith was put in the Liberty Jail to suffer through a cold winter.
At some point W. W. Phelps recognized his mistakes and asked for forgiveness from Joseph Smith, to which Joseph responded "Come on, dear brother, since the war is past. For friends at first are friends again at last."
This gives me chills every time I read it. I am amazed by the Prophet's ability to forgive a man that caused so much pain and anguish not just to the Saints, but to him personally. Bro. Phelps went on to write "Praise to the Man" after their reconciliation.
Elder Richardson says "As we sang that hymn in stake conference, I was deeply moved by one line in the chorus: 'Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.' How I wondered, could Bro. Phelps speak of traitors and tyrants fighting the Prophet when he himself had been one? Immediately I realized not only that Bro. Phelps was no longer a traitor but also that he must have come to no longer see himself as one. The genuine, complete love and trust he received from Bro. Joseph helped make it possible for him not only to forgive himself but also to erase his image of himself as a traitor."
Often time when we think of forgiveness we think of other people and how we must forgive them for how they've wronged us, but the scriptures clearly state "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." D&C 65:10 This includes ourselves. Just as we extend a humble and forgiving heart to others, we must offer ourselves the same gift.
Godly sorrow is a gift from God, and it is our choice whether or not to receive it. The process of repentance cannot be complete without experiencing this miraculous gift. Elder Richardson describes the relationship of Godly Sorrow and the way we view ourselves. "There is no room in Godly sorrow for self-contempt. Those who refuse to forgive themselves thus bear a double burden of sin, for not only do they carry the sin itself, but they also add to it the sin of self-condemnation and refusing to forgive. Indeed, refusal to forgive is cited in the scriptures as 'the greater sin'" D&C 64:9
Again I have never viewed forgiveness in this light. I always knew the importance of forgiving those around me, but never quite understood the self application. As humans I think many of us err in self forgiveness. It seems so much easier sometimes to forgive someone for an offense against us, but do we truly forgive ourselves also? I know I struggle with this. I'm the type of person that has spent much of her life living in the past, asking the "what if's" and constantly beating myself up for the things I should've done differently. I never understood why I was this way, and as I am blogging I am suddenly receiving clarification for why I have lived that way. I have yet to forgive myself for so many past mistakes. I have spent many nights crying for all the people I set a bad example for, for the cruel words I have said in anger, and the lives I changed not for the better. In a sense I feel like Alma ,"harrowed up by the memory of my many sins." Alma 36:17 I couldn't let go; I didn't know how to let go. Even now, it still pains me to think back on the many terrible mistakes I have made. The difference is Alma was able to let go all of his sins because of the gift of the Atonement. He says "I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world. Now as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me...And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more." Alma 36:17-19 The story of Alma the Younger has always been one of my favorites because I felt like I could relate to him, but I've realized that I focused on the first half of his story, never really understanding the latter when he was freed from the pains and burdens he had carried. Because of true repentance and his complete trust and belief in his Savior and the great sacrifice He made for us, he was able to release himself from a past that bound him. We must all do the same.
They say forgive and forget, and the "forgetting" is something that never really made sense to me. Elder Richardson clears this up, "Forgetting is part of forgiving. But forgiving oneself involves a special kind of forgetting. We don't forget the sin and its effects; rather, the memory ceases to be part of how we see ourselves. For example, when Alma had been forgiven of his sins, he said, 'I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more' Alma 36:19 The fact that he could describe his repentance to his son Heleman showed that a memory was still there. But through Christ's Atonement and forgiveness, that memory lost its edge of guilt and self-recrimination."
I have sinned, but I am not my sins. We all fall short of the glory of God, but we have an infinite Atonement that is offered to all of us to make up for all our shortcomings no matter how great or small. I am so grateful that I was able to read this talk. I wasn't looking for a talk on forgiving myself when I happened upon it, but I know the Lord guided me to it. I have done some terrible things in my life. I've made really bad decisions and have hurt many people. I can try to make restitution, but I can't change what's been done. We have to forgive ourselves before we can expect the Lord to forgive us.
I feel so truly blessed right now. Despite my many weaknesses, I have never felt His love for me as strongly as I do now. I'm grateful for my Savior. He made it possible for me to be made whole, and He is waiting with open arms ready to remove all of my burdens as soon as I'm willing to turn it over. I've got a pretty large load, so it's taking some time, but one by one I am giving Him everything. He is near me; I can feel Him everyday.