To Be Perfected

(Artwork by Greg Olsen titled "Forgiven")


Well it's been 2 weeks since I lost my job and it seems like it's gone by so fast, yet I feel like it's been years since I've had a job. I'm still trying to decide if I enjoy this jobless lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, there's is nothing more pleasant than waking up in the morning feeling relaxed and not competing for the shower with my husband. I do find quite a bit of pleasure in knowing I actually do have enough time in the day to do the things I need to do plus take some time for myself. For some reason I can't seem to just let it be in my mind. I've worked for so long that I tend to feel useless and that I'm somehow not contributing like I should. This guilt manages to sit in the back of my mind, never really leaving. The only thing that keeps me sane is my rationalization that I'm going back to school and shouldn't work so that I can really focus on my studies and long term it'll make things much better for my family and I. Still I find myself torn fighting between ration and guilt. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the exact place I was 5 years ago. At least then I had time on my side. Where did all the time go, by the way? I'm 23 and starting over. Some may say I'm not really that old and still have plenty of time ahead. Well it's hard to see it that way when you had so many plans for yourself and of course that ideal time frame every Mormon girl sets for herself.

I suppose it's a lack of faith on my part. Someone very wise once told me that if we could see the whole big picture of what Heavenly Father has in store for us we would be more than eager to comply, but that's unfortunately not what this life is about. Sometimes we act on faith expecting a certain outcome and when that exact outcome doesn't come about in the time frame that we expected we get upset. Sometimes there is even a negative outcome and we say "Well Heavenly Father, I did what you wanted me to do, and this is what I get?" In our imperfect understanding, we can easily become bitter and frustrated. We lose faith and start to rely on our own judgment solely. We start to become prideful by placing trust in what we think is best for ourselves. We all know how this story ends. Yet some of us hard headed mortals keep falling into this trap, myself not excluded. I'm always amazed by those people who never seem to waver. It seems so simple superficially. Follow God and you'll be happy. I know this to be true, but somehow I still fall short. As I think about it more I know I wasn't sent here to be perfect. Quite the opposite actually. I was sent here to make mistakes. Backwards? Maybe. I was sent here to make mistakes so that I can become perfected. How else do we get there? Phew... God sure has his work cut out for Him with me. :)

Tomorrow I leave for Canada. Back in 10 days!