Misery

I'm still sick and somehow am managing to feel more miserable as opposed to getting better. I have a Biology midterm tomorrow that I haven't even started studying for. My mind feels like mush and my body aches and my study guide looks forever long. I think I just might get my first F tomorrow. agh... please shoot me. Just thought I'd share my misery with you all.

BYU Memories

In the spirit of posting slideshows I decided to post one I made for one of my best friend's b-days about a year ago. Each of these people left me a better person. Thank you and I love you.

Drug Induced Epiphany

Being sick is really no fun. It's only October and I've already caught something. Hopefully it'll be the only thing I catch this season. I'm normally the type of person who likes to let nature take its course and avoid popping pills at all costs, but being a student I want to make sure I can function as quickly as possible and not miss class. So I've been going against my natural tendencies and choking down over-sized orange and blue/green gel caps. I've noticed my nighttime medicine makes me feel a little funny and well, I had the strangest experience last night.
Maybe this is slightly blasphemous, but for the longest time I've been dealing with... to put it mildly, a bad taste in my mouth about our life here on Earth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, but I eagerly await the day this life is over. With what I've been taught about the afterlife, I can't wait to get there. In my woozy thoughts last night, for some reason I started thinking about this whole thing. Daniel gets a little frustrated with the way I feel about this life. He thinks it means that I don't feel anything good has come out of my life on Earth. This is not true at all. I am grateful for all the wonderful things and maybe not so wonderful things that have happened to me while I'm here. I yearn for an ending, not necessarily for myself (while I can't exclude myself entirely), but for the world around me. It seems like the world keeps getting worse and worse and there is so much suffering everywhere. Things are happening that are so evil, I can't comprehend. I get angry for the children in Africa that have to leave their families and live on the run just so they aren't forced into joining some rebel army that commits hideous acts. I am angry for the women and children that are being abused and tormented. My mind cannot grasp how a loving Father in Heaven can let his children go through these things. Do I doubt that he loves each and every one of us? Absolutely not. Nevertheless, my heart aches immeasurably and I find myself wishing it was all over.
Last night I felt this sudden urgency to live life to its fullest. It was the strangest feeling. I felt this fear overcome me that soon this life would be over and I would be looking back and wishing I would've appreciated it more. This life is a gift and I should cherish it, and my Heavenly Father is aware of all the suffering and His blessings will surpass every pain that has been felt or endured. I really need to make an effort to be more faithful. One day I'll understand, but until then I just need need to remain faithful.

Fun Times in Gallipolis, OH!

I decided that Daniel and I need to make the most of our time together and take a break from concentrating to hard on the future. I think in life we spend so much time looking forward that we forget to appreciate living in the moment. So I really want to make more of an effort to make memories. This life is short, why not enjoy it? Seize the day!

Goodmorning Sunshine!

Ok ok, it's true. I don't always look forward to Sundays with the right attitude. Daniel and I made a last minute trip up to Columbus and didn't get home until 1 AM. So when my alarm went off this morning I hit snooze twice and finally just turned it off completely, at the same time pulling the covers over my head. My husband had already been awake since 6 preparing his Sunday school lesson, so I figured it would only be a matter of time before he came in to try and wake me. Wrapped up all snug in bed I managed to convince myself that I was too exhausted to go to church and that I needed a day off from church. Hey, I'm not perfect, nor do I pretend to be! Don't get me wrong. I love my church and have a strong testimony of it's truth and the blessings it has brought to my life, but I most certainly have my moments of weakness. I braced myself for the unpleasant sound of my dear husbands approaching footsteps. The door quietly opened and Daniel gently shook me. Still with eyes closed I pretended to snooze right through. You have to love the persistence of my husband. He is not easily deterred. His gentle shaking became a little more forceful along with a sing song "It's time to wake up, Cyd! 30 minutes until we have to leave!" I groaned and tried to escape further under the covers. I could almost feel his eyes narrowing. He continued to plead and even went to the closet and told me he was picking out my outfit for church. I thought maybe if I ignored him long enough he would let me finally sleep in peace. Not the case. He shook me some more, bounced on the bed and finally resorted to cover stealing. "If you don't come to church I'm going to stand here and make sure you don't go back to sleep!" He yanked all the blankets off the bed and I rolled over to glare at him, ready to give him a piece of my mind. When I saw the puppy dog look on his face, my heart melted and all I could do was laugh. I have a wonderful husband. He keeps me in line and I'm so grateful for him. I made it to church today, thanks to him, and as always, I was glad I went. Thank goodness for righteous persistent husbands.

Nail Kits from the Dead Sea or something like that

Mondays are Daniel's day off and because I didn't have anything going on at school, I decided to take a "sick" day and go play with my hubby. We decided to take a trip to Huntington, WV (the closest city to us) and go shopping, eat dinner, see a movie, etc. While at the mall an overly friendly man in his late 20's was standing at a kiosk with a tray of lotion samples. I had no intention or interest in trying this lotion, but as the tray was thrust in my face along with a big smile, my heart softened and I reached out and took a sample despite knowing what would follow.
The man proceeded to tell me about this wonderful nail filing kit that would smooth away all the ridges from my nails and only needed to be maintained once a month and he even was kind enough to let me smell all 4 scents that they carried.
"Which is your favorite?" he asked.
"Well... uh... I think I like the Olive." As I said this I knew I was setting myself for trouble. I walked into the trap knowingly and now was looking for the most polite way to disappoint the guy. He quickly grabbed a new package of the Olive Box and held it out towards me expectantly.
"Take it." he said. I just kind of stared, at this point starting to feel uncomfortable. "Today we're having a special since it is Columbus Day. Usually this is 79.99, but today we are selling them for 49.99!"
I could already felt the guilt setting in. Ration told me it would be silly to buy this product, especially since I've been suckered into buying something similar a few years back and never ended up using it. But the guy was staring me down with these beady little eyes like he wouldn't take no for an answer. Nevertheless, I said "I don't think so, but I'll think about it."
"Listen, I'm going to do you a favor. Tell me somebody you'd like to get a Christmas gift for."
Uh are you kidding? I just said no, buddy. I just smiled politely and said "I'm sorry, I really don't think I want to pay $50 for this."
He nods and says "just a moment" and then walks over to his cash register to look at some folded piece of paper. He smiles and comes back over. "I have a great deal for you. I am going to sell you the buffer and the cuticle oil for only $25 and toss in these other two things free of charge! Take it!"
At this point, I'm starting to get mad. This guy just can't take no for an answer and now he is being a little too pushy. Still, I managed to keep my cool and hoping the guy would back off I said "Well, I still have more shopping to do, so I will think about that deal and I might come back later."
The guy took a step back and looked as if he was going to chop my head off. "Are you joking with me?! That's less than 1/3 of the original price! I can't believe you wouldn't take this deal!" He was clearly upset with me and for some reason thought he could make me purchase his product by the means of making me feel like an idiot. Sorry bub, I don't think so. Honestly, what is wrong with people? I used to work in sales so I know the pain and anguish of it, but goodness gracious! I hate people who think it's okay to get mad just because they didn't sell their stupid product. I was fuming for the rest of the time we were at the mall and was tempted to go back and take his stupid olive scented nail kit and smack him over the head with it. Luckily my rational husband was there to talk sense into me, but it did take me a little bit to simmer down. He better just hope I don't come back to that mall alone... ;)

Sucked In

So I've been hearing that these Stephanie Meyer Twilight series are all the rage and since I used to live in Port Angeles, my interest was piqued. I acquired the first book in the series and read it in two days. It's definitely not the most amazing book I've ever read, but it's a very cute love story and well... obviously I liked it if I read it in two days. This morning I was about to log into my myspace account and I saw an ad for a trailer for a movie coming out Nov. 21 on the first book. I watched it, and can I just say now that I'm intensely excited? I'm trying to not fall into the masses of swooning women. It's just nice to actually find a nice clean love story and not have to worry about it being too adult. What can I say? I think I'm getting sucked in.

Do You Go To College?

Do you ever have random small experiences that just make you realize how blessed you are? Today was like any other day. I went to school. I drove home and debated meeting my aunt to go walking and finally forced myself to do it. Drove home and as I was getting out of my car a boy about my age, maybe a little younger, said, "Do you go to college?" I had my pink back pack strapped to me and my Rio Grande parking pass hanging in my rear view mirror. I figured it was obvious, but decided to be kind. I told him "yes, I do." He then got this wistful look on his face and said "I really want to go to college. How do you get to go?" I was a little taken aback by this question, as I figure most people get help with this process in high school or from parents, etc. "Well... you have to apply." That came out more like a question then a statement because I was still trying to decipher if this kid was playing a joke on me. He then said "Don't you have to take SAT's or something?" Deciding he was sincere I responded, "well different schools require different things, so if you really want to know you should look up some phone numbers of schools you might want to go to and ask them what they require and they can tell you what you need to do." He just kinda nodded his head. Making more of an effort now, I said, "So what school do you want to go to? Rio? Marshall?" He just shrugged his shoulders and said "any school. I just want to go to college." At this point I was nearing the door to my apartment so as final encouragement I told him, "It's worth it. You should definitely look into it." And he broke out into this big smile with some of his teeth missing and others rotting away and said "Thanks for your help!" As I walked up the stairs to my apartment I started pondering how I get down about not having the opportunities that some of my more financially well off friends have had as far as going through college. My parents wanted to help, but they just couldn't afford to pay for me to go to school. I was also the oldest and so I think maybe they weren't exactly sure what to do, but they did the best they could. But I was definitely envious of those who had parents who put their kids through school without them ever having to work a job to support themselves. Seeing this boy today has given me a little reminder that I may not have had it as easy as I would have liked, but there are others who have it much worse. It may have taken me a while, but I'm in school NOW. I'm happy and today I think I'll count my blessings.

Tagged

HIGH SCHOOL TAG

1. Did you date someone from your high school?:

no, my attention always seemed to be captured by college boys. Though there was one guy a couple years older than me that I really liked for a long time and as soon as I turned 16 and could finally date him... let's say it didn't last more than a few weeks. :) So much for true "love"!

2. What kind of car did you drive?:

1996 Plymouth Neon- old faithful that would randomly not start and had really loud squealing brakes. It was a show stopper for sure.

3. What is your most embarrassing moment in high school?

Well I'm sure there are many that I can't recall, but I do remember falling down a huge flight of stairs my freshman year. Awkward.

4. Were you a party animal?

of course not... !!!

5. Where you considered a flirt?

sure! You gotta have a little fun right?

6. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?:

I really wanted to be in band but I moved to Ohio right before 7th grade and the kids there were already ahead so I felt insecure about joining. I did do choir every year and loved it. Still really miss it!

7. Were you a nerd?

some people probably thought so, I really wasn't all too thrilled with high school and was dying to get out which is why I graduated a year early. I only did extracurriculars for the purpose of college applications. I did French Club, Peer Mediating, sorta did journalism, and was a part of Mu Alpha Theta which is the math nationals honor's society.

8. Were you on any varsity teams?

No I was too chicken to really try to get involved in sports. Really regret it now though.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?

Nope

10. Can you still sing the fight song?

did we even have one???

11. Who were your favorite teachers?

I loved my freshman Biology teacher Mr. Thompson. yeah I think that's about it.

12. Where did you sit during lunch?

somewhere in the cafeteria.

13. School Mascot?

Thunderhawk

14. Did you go to homecoming and with who?

Sophomore year I went with Brandon something, and Junior year I went with my then boyfriend Brendon Akey.

15. If you could go back and do it again, would you?

No siree! I was more than excited to blow that joint!

16. What do you remember most about graduation?

I remember feeling mildly uncomfortable since I was graduating a year early and wasn 't really friends with anyone in that class. I also remember feeling excited to be seated between 2 boys that I found really attractive. You win some you lose some :)

17. Where did you go senior skip day?

Again I was technically a junior and didn't exactly have a normal senior year so I don't think I participated in Senior skip day.

18. Have you gained weight since then?

I wish i could say no.

19. Who was your prom date?

sophomore year i went with Matt Carroll and junior year Josh Asher

20. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion?

If I could go to the reunion with my original classmates and not my actual graduating class I would go.

21. Looking back, what advice would you give yourself?

I wish I would've made an effort to be more social with my class mates. I had my own group of friends outside of high school so I feel like I missed out on some potential friendships. I wish I would've participated in high school plays and gotten more involved in activities I would've enjoyed instead of just doing the bare minimum to rush through it. So my advice would be treasure the moments so you don't look back with regrets.

Tag, you're it – Monica, Kolbri, Leslie

Daniel my eternal companion

How do I begin to express the gratitude I have for my husband? He is my rock. In his moments of weakness he still always comes through for me. He is my androgynous man. He is strong and sensitive to my needs. I am a tough woman to be married to. I am demanding, way too critical, impatient, emotionally driven, and I often don't give him the love and care he deserves. We are not the perfect couple. We have our fights and they can get pretty nasty sometimes, but we always come out stronger united by our love and faith in Christ.
Daniel has saved me from myself more times than I can count. I am quick to react and slow to think, but he loves me despite my weaknesses. He has blessed my life so much and I can't imagine life without him. He has such an amazing spirit and I know he is inspired in leading our family. I may not always rely on his guidance due to my own selfish pride and lack of faith, but Daniel is always unwavering. He is composed and always faced in the right direction.
What did I ever do to deserve this man? Sometimes I become overwhelmed with disgust at myself for all of my shortcomings and I look at Daniel and wonder "how?" I think the Lord knew I needed someone like him, but I can't help but feel... ashamed. Ashamed that I fall so short so frequently. And despite this, he stands by me with love. When I make wrong choices, he is there to comfort me and support me. When I am weak, he holds me up. What was life like before he came into it? I don't even remember. Daniel is my world and I can only pray that my Father in Heaven will mold me into the wife that I desire to be for him.

I crumbled

I'm in a not very happy place right now. Last night I gave in to my "passion" and wrote the most horrid letter to my mother in law letting everything hang out. There was no holding back. I lost all desire to be understanding and kind. Do I regret it? I feel like I should. I feel like a good person would be sorry. But I'm not. At least not right now.
I needed her to know how much she has hurt me and her family. And even more, I wanted her to suffer like I've been suffering! I know... terrible. That's the simple disgusting truth. I'm a wound up ball of emotion and last night I unraveled. I don't know how to put on a smiley face and pretend everything is okay, that I'm okay with her divorce, or that I'm okay that she's getting married in a week. I'm not okay. This is not okay.
I retaliated. I was feeling betrayed, hurt, angry. I wanted her to truly understand that her actions haven't just affected her life, but many others... as if she doesn't know. I'm told she knows... so what? She just doesn't care? I'm past being able to understand. I will never understand. So am I going to the wedding? I don't know anymore. I thought I could, but since I've written that letter I don't know if I should. I've doused that bridge with gasoline and have the match lit. I just don't want to let her hurt us anymore.

The Fine Line Between Your Agency and My Agency

I've been wondering about agency lately. Especially when I think of becoming a parent. I know we're put on this earth to teach our children and others who look up to us. We give them advice from our personal experiences, provide them with encouragement and love, try to give them the confidence and instill in them the proper values to make good decisions... but when that is not enough, then what?
I can recall a few times in my life when I felt my "agency" was being taken away and my parents were making decisions for me. At the time, I thought I had the meanest most unfair parents who had no clue about how to properly raise an independent teenage girl. Now I look back with gratitude and relief for the times that they stepped in and "took over" my life for me.
I want to help people. I feel the incessant need to "fix" people's lives and have difficulty staying separated from depressing situations. Nothing is more glorious than the joy that comes from knowing you've made a difference in someone's life. This is a feeling I live for, yet I tend to get caught up in not the most uplifiting situations in the process and find myself carrying a weight of sadness and anger for this world and the cruel people in it. I try to live by being supportive and loving and encouraging, but for one particular young friend, I believe the situation has crossed a line. This is one of those times my parents would've grabbed the reigns. Unfortunately, some people aren't as blessed with parents who know and understand the gospel of Jesus Christ. What do i do? I don't feel like I can stand idly by and continue to encourage, just for the mere fact that I'm not sure she is strong enough to make the right decision currently. Don't get me wrong, she is perfectly capable young woman, but I know what it's like to have moments of weakness.
I know I can't save everyone from experiencing hardships in life, but I would give anything to help limit it. So many young women today struggle with identity. They have lost a sense of who they are because of what the media tells them they should be. Sometimes we get caught up in making poor decisions and then suddenly we are struggling with self worth and thinking we will never do better. We don't deserve better. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! We are all daughters of our Father in Heaven. As we truly come to understand this and His intense desire to bless us, we can attain a joy never previously imagined. I want everyone I love to have this joy. I'm just beginning to have a glimpse of it, and I've never ever been happier.
So again I ask, where is this invisible line between helping a friend and taking away their agency and doing as Satan originally wanted to do to us? Is it wrong for me to want to temporarily steer the bus? If so, I'm guilty as charged.