I'm in a not very happy place right now. Last night I gave in to my "passion" and wrote the most horrid letter to my mother in law letting everything hang out. There was no holding back. I lost all desire to be understanding and kind. Do I regret it? I feel like I should. I feel like a good person would be sorry. But I'm not. At least not right now.
I needed her to know how much she has hurt me and her family. And even more, I wanted her to suffer like I've been suffering! I know... terrible. That's the simple disgusting truth. I'm a wound up ball of emotion and last night I unraveled. I don't know how to put on a smiley face and pretend everything is okay, that I'm okay with her divorce, or that I'm okay that she's getting married in a week. I'm not okay. This is not okay.
I retaliated. I was feeling betrayed, hurt, angry. I wanted her to truly understand that her actions haven't just affected her life, but many others... as if she doesn't know. I'm told she knows... so what? She just doesn't care? I'm past being able to understand. I will never understand. So am I going to the wedding? I don't know anymore. I thought I could, but since I've written that letter I don't know if I should. I've doused that bridge with gasoline and have the match lit. I just don't want to let her hurt us anymore.
Mormon Batallion 175 year Anniversary
2 weeks ago
2 comments:
Cyd. I'm calling you today - I have the day off, finally.
Just know that what your feeling might not be anger. It most likely is feeling defensive of your mother. It's that mama tigress coming out in you - that instinct to protect those that you love. That feeling isn't wrong... in fact, it's natural. But, it's something that needs to be bridled, controlled, and that will come with practice.
You could probably also use some venting... so I'll call when Gabi goes down for a nap.
Don't worry. Hang in there.
Love you!
cyd! wow, i had no idea dixie was getting married in a little bit. as i write this, i'm trying to figure out the best way to put this- i guess i know how you feel. right before danny and i got married, danny's dad wrote me the most degrading, embarrassing, atrocious email that he never really sent. he was too chicken, but he vented to danny who wouldn't stand for his fiance to be bashed, so i read it. i'm not trying to give you a guilt trip, but rather know that family sucks sometimes, and a lot of times they're the ones that hurt you the most! i didn't back down or stand to be insulted by their words. (or in your case actions, too). in our situation, the hardest thing for me was that danny was caught in the middle. his dad was being completely unreasonable and his mom was supporting his dad without question. remember dan in all of this. i'm sure he's trying to make the best of the situation, and is probably torn up inside. husbands and wives were made to support each other. i hope venting a little helps! even now, i'm still slightly uncomfortable around my father in law, but i will NEVER again let him be so unkind or unfeeling toward me.
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